Come as You Are The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life



[Reading] ➲ Come as You Are The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life ➺ Emily Nagoski – E17streets4all.co.uk An essential exploration of why and how women’s sexuality works—based on groundbreaking research and brain science—that will radically transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and An essential exploration of You Are PDF/EPUB À why and how women’s sexuality works—based on groundbreaking research and brain science—that will radically transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and joyResearchers have spent the last decade trying to develop a “pink pill” for women to function like Viagra does for men So where is it Well for reasons this book makes crystal clear that Come as ePUB Æ pill will never exist—but as a result of the research that’s gone into it scientists in the last few years have learned about how women’s sexuality works than we ever thought possible and Come as You Are explains it allThe first lesson in this essential transformative book by Dr Emily Nagoski is that every woman has her own uniue sexuality like a fingerprint as You Are PDF/EPUB è and that women vary than men in our anatomy our sexual response mechanisms and the way our bodies respond to the sexual world So we never need to judge ourselves as You Are The Surprising PDF/EPUB or based on others’ experiences Because women vary and that’s normalSecond lesson sex happens in a context And all the complications of everyday life influence the context surrounding a woman’s arousal desire and orgasm as You Are The Surprising PDF/EPUB or Cutting edge research across multiple disciplines tells us that the most important factor for women in creating and sustaining a fulfilling sex life is not what you do in bed or how you do it but how you feel about it Which means that stress mood trust and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman’s sexual wellbeing; they are central to it Once you understand these factors and how to influence them you can create for yourself better sex and profound pleasure than you ever thought possibleAnd Emily Nagoski can prove it.Come as You Are The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

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Come as You Are The Surprising New Science that Will
  • Paperback
  • 400 pages
  • Come as You Are The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life
  • Emily Nagoski
  • English
  • 07 August 2015
  • 9781476762098

10 thoughts on “Come as You Are The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

  1. says:

    All right so this is not the book I thought it was when I got it and I apologise for a rating that would surely be higher if I were part of the target audience I was hoping it was a survey of the latest scientific research into arousal disorders and sexuality; in fact it's a very selective presentation of those pieces of research that are considered helpful in ‘promoting women's sexual well being autonomy and pleasure’ Studies however revealing which do not promote such things are ignored In other words the book is primarily therapy not science Perhaps not surprising given that the author is a sex therapist but I hadn't realised that – I thought she was a researcherI've been very intentional about the empirical details I've included or excluded I asked myself “Does this fact help women have better sex lives or is it just a totally fascinating and important empirical puzzle?”And I cut the puzzlesThis means that although there is some useful information here it is interspersed with a lot of rather irritating vaguely encouraging bullshit about ‘living with confidence and joy inside your body’ reassurances that you are ‘all normal all beautiful’ and exhortations to ‘listen with your heart not with your fear’ Naturally as a British passport holder I cannot read this stuff without feeling my toes clench and my testicles retract into my body and the narrative tone doesn't help either Nagoski writes in the earnest chatty way of someone trying to write a book for people who don't read books with lots of forcedly collouial comments like ‘Wait what?’ and ‘For realsie real’OK fine I am clearly not the target audience I get that but for me it gets incredibly grating when every hint of scientific information is hedged around with encouragements and stupid metaphors and open condescension before a section on the hedonic centres of the mesolimbic cortex which Nagoski calls ‘your emotional One Ring’ she warns ‘It gets pretty nerdy here Ready? Okay’ and afterwards pats us on the head by asking ‘Did you make it? Phew That was the hard part Nice job’ Gee thanks Dr NagoskiAristophanes in Plato's Symposium—and for those of you who very understandably just fell asleep replace that with the song “The Origin of Love” from John Cameron Mitchell's Hedwig and the Angry Itch—offers this parable about why humans love Really? What I found so infuriating about all this is the implied gendering of her tone – it's somehow pitched at a certain idea of women as though they have no interest in hard science and need their research presented in the form of a Cosmo uiz It's really outrageous; I don't know if I should be taking it as some reflection on the state of US science education but the total horror of any scientific terminology combined with the girlfriends chatting over a Manhattan tone just left a really bad taste in the mouth Men come off no better – Nagoski writes that she has to ‘translate the science of women's sexual well being into Manly Fix It Dude Speak’ to talk to her clients' partnersThe reason this is so frustrating is that the actual research presented is pretty important and in some cases not so well known The two presiding ideas in the book I think are the concept of responsive v spontaneous desire and the dual control model of sexual arousal The terms ‘responsive desire’ and ‘spontaneous desire’ have been floating around for over a decade now – I think the key paper was Basson et al 2003 although Nagoski says they were coined by Ellen Laan and Stephanie Both which may be true; Laan is one of the authors of that paper The basic idea is that while some people can get turned on while walking down the street or doing the dishes for others it's something that only happens in response to situations that have already been made explicitly erotic Arousal first desire secondThe disparity between these different kinds of desire is of course behind a lot of relationship stresses whence Nagoski's clinical interest For her what's important here is to point out that responsive desire is perfectly OK and is not the same as ‘low desire’A woman can be perfectly normal and healthy and never experience spontaneous sexual desire Instead she may experience ‘responsive’ desire in which her desire emerges only in a highly erotic contextShe writes ‘a woman’ – and there may well be a sex divide Nagoski estimates on somewhat shaky data because research into this is limited that five percent of men and thirty percent of women have responsive desire compared with seventy five percent of men and five percent of women whose desire is ‘spontaneous’ This leaves most women and twenty percent of men whose desire style changes based on the context – a rather large amount which does slightly throw the whole model into uestion Asexuality is not addressed Nagoski is understandably worried about the idea that sexual desire which differs from the male norm is pathologised as ‘broken’ or defective in some way something to be ‘fixed’ by taking a so far mythical pill; she wrote an op ed piece for the New York Times back in February on this subjectIt's all good stuff and it's certainly a vocabulary that people should have at their disposal However it should be noted that other models of sexual desire are available It's also worth saying that all we are really doing here is playing semantics Thinking about responsive desire as a thing might help people to feel better about themselves and not to feel broken – which is good and they're not – but it doesn't really say anything about what's actually going on What affects whether desire is spontaneous or responsive? Hormones? Neurology? Upbringing? Culture?This semantics issue is something the whole book suffers from – same goes for her long and heartfelt rant about why we do not have a sex ‘drive’ but rather an ‘incentive motivation system’ For the life of me after reading that section several times I couldn't work out what the difference was supposed to be Even than responsive desire Nagoski is excited about something called the Dual Control Model of Arousal This is the idea developed by two researchers at the Kinsey Institute in 2006 the paper's here and essentially what it does is to consider libido in terms of those psychosomatic processes that promote sexual arousal and in terms of those that restrain it The paper posits a Sexual Excitation System SES on the one hand and a Sexual Inhibition System SIS on the other; Nagoski calls them the accelerators and the brakes The SES is that part of you that constantly scans your thoughts and the world around you for sexually relevant data; the SIS is – not inhibitions in the layman's sense but a necessary consideration of negative conseuences of any sexual activity whether medical social psychological or whateverConceptualising things in this way turns out to add uite a lot of nuance to how we think about arousal People with arousal problems differ fundamentally in where the issue lies some have a low SES ie not many things actually turn them on in principle while others have a very rich SES but just a highly sensitive inhibition system which stops them reacting as fully as they otherwise might unless conditions are ideal Similarly sexual risk taking like unprotected sex cheating and so on is sometimes correlated with low SIS and sometimes with abnormally high SESNagoski very sensibly suggests that a prereuisite to overcoming arousal problems is understanding one's own SES and SIS – getting familiar with what exactly it is that turns you on and turns you off and creating contexts where the former are maximised and the latter minimised There are lots of interesting studies that bear on these ideas in various ways It was found for example that wearing socks made it easier for women to orgasm while masturbating in a brain imaging machine This is not because there are sock fetishists than previously appreciated but simply because it's distracting if you have cold feet and depending on your personal SIS little distractions of this kind can add up fast especially one presumes when trying to get off inside a brain imaging machineIt's clear that Nagoski wants to back up her ideas by using interviews with her clients to demonstrate how helpful these concepts can be And some interviews like this would indeed have been great – books like Brett Kahr's Sex and the Psyche show how well clinical transcripts can work in books of this kind But pleading confidentiality issues Nagoski instead invents fictional couples who she says are composites of the many people she has treated in real life and the book is interspersed with transcripts of how these fictional people were fictionally treated Reading these made up conversations with made up couples who nod and gasp appropriately at all her revelations is an exercise in pure frustrationThere were times when I wanted to throw this book across the room and it's only thanks to the good fortune that I was reading it on my iPad that I was forced to press on Nevertheless there are small parts of it that I'd like to cut out and circulate to everyone I know so it is an odd mix Parts of the book I mean not my iPad Nagoski is after all basically coming from the right place and talking about the right things and she's not afraid of making some big claims for her field eitherDo I think that living with confidence and joy and respecting everyone's sexual autonomy could play a role in preventing cancer solving the climate crisis or building world peace? Yes actuallyNo way I can one star a book saying something as close to my heart as that And I guess if what you want is something therapeutic rather than just informative then this will fit the bill pretty well Still despite all the interesting material to be uncovered in here it is hard to shake off the vague feeling that you're getting a lecture on sexual dysfunction from a children's television presenterOct 2015

  2. says:

    Ok when I saw the tile of this book it thought probably what everyone else though about this book Ok the introduction and chapter 8 and appendix one might be but the rest is science over myth If it did not come so highly recommended from a respected friend of mine from uni I probably would not every given it the first look Read is as some light reading doing her PhD in Psychology So of course she decided to experiment on her friend to get a male perspective on the book So let me get this out of the way first No This is not a collection of sex stories There are actual case studies They are not written to be provocative but to understand the feeling or the accelerators and the breaks Thought Emily does uote a number of scientific theories and is by her own admission a nerd no judgement I have been a proud geek for years you do not have to be to understand the book it is written in an easy to read way I found there is a lot of truth to this book and even though it is written primarily for women in mind I think both me men and women can lean a lot from it and will see traits of both in the case studiesI also think there are some very important messages in this book the main one being the first like and echoed through out the book you are OK You are normal You are not broken Usually when ever we do not fit the mold or something does not live up out our expectations one of those three thought does through our heads the other messages that she tries to show us are the messages we are bombarded with through out our lives the that is wrong you should look like this or that is not normal I uite like the idea of celebrating differences then persecuting people for themThis is a great book with a lot of insightful theories and science against myth and breaking down some pretty big wall theories of sex ans psychology have been linked since Sigmund Freud as some theories have moved on others we still have so much to learn about in others A great book that should be read by everyone and commented on what you agree with or disagree with

  3. says:

    It’s hard not to love a book with a pseudo vagina on the front; it’s even harder not to love that same book for smashing all the preconceived ideas we have about female and by comparison male sexuality Like for example did you know that the hymen as an indication of virginity is entirely a social construction and there is no scientific evidence backing it? Using actual real science Dr Emily Nagoski – a speak the truth and only the truth sex educatorprofessor – breaks down all the things we think we know about sex and desire and drive and in the process makes you feel like not are you normal but we’re ALL normal As she says over and over and over “We’re all made up of the same basic parts just organized differently” In other words there is no normal This is a game changer of a human sexuality book – not just for women who have always been told that men’s sexuality is the default HINT it’s not – but for men who love women and don’t understand why the things that work for them don’t work for women Justjust go buy this Buy this and read it and try not to be that weird person pushing a sex book on every single lady person you know Because these are all lessons we need to learn Better for us better for everyone — Rachel Manwillfrom The Best Books We Read in April

  4. says:

    The information in this book is solid gold A copy should be put in the hands of every person ideally before they've had sexual contact with another person But BUT The metaphors Dear Lord the metaphors We have sexuality as an accelerator and brakes sexuality as an overgrown garden sexuality as a hot water heater complex feelings as a sleeping hedgehog sexual interest as a customers seeking a diner sexual expectations as a touchy monitor tapping her fingernails our brains as a flock of birds and SO MANY OTHERS I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER I understand and applaud what Nagoski is doing in terms of wanting to convey big complicated cognitive functions in relatable prose But it touches a nerve for me when writers anthropomorphize female sexuality I find it infantilizing I'm a big girl just tell me what my brain is doing I can read about chemicals and neurons and whatnot I don't need to imagine my brain as a lion and my pelvis as a caveman or whatever other nonsense So 5 stars for the content 4 stars for the chatty conversational writing style which did not annoy me but will probably polarize some readers and 1 star for the overworked metaphors

  5. says:

    Come As You Are is absolutely the best book I've ever read not just on sex but on life and well being in general Why read another book on sex? Because Emily describes how your brain and your life work together to create desire and how to experience pleasure joy and confidence with your relationships AND with sex But this isn't the usual sex book with lavish promises of ecstasy by learning detailed techniues of where to put this and how to put it there Emily gives you science that feels like a warm soothing hug for all of the insecurities you've ever felt about your body your sex and your relationships and then she describes how to apply science to your life so that you end up with the pleasure joy and confidence To be honest after finishing a draft of this book I felt peace and well being than I'd felt in about ten years which is about when I started worrying about my body and sex And it's because Emily is describing how your brain interprets stress and how your body responds because of that how to actually manage stress without just trying to relax and how you can create a life that your body will respond all kinds of YES to Then add in science about how your brain works with goals and what kind of goal you have around your sex life and then you can appreciate how to work with the reality of your life and not just the fantasy of what you want your love life to be I've read Emily's blog for a couple years now but the way she puts everything together and elaborates on all the science makes everything click in a way that feels reassuring and full of potential I'm now reading parts of the draft again and understanding even better how all of the elements work together to build joy and confidence and pleasure It's truly beautifulCome As You Are is the most practical book I've ever read about sex and with this book and Sheri Winston's Anatomy of Arousal I would never have needed any other book on sex And I bought hundreds I'm also not the most sciencey person and luckily Emily explains really complicated concepts in an easy to apply way I really think this book could change our culture's whole idea of sexuality in a way that creates pleasure for everyone

  6. says:

    Books like this are why I LOVE non fictionThis should be reuired reading on female sexuality both for those with vaginas and those who are interested in or love someone with a vagina I mention the parts here because they ARE a big component of the book This is a guide to how everyone has the same parts rearranged differently and it's our perception of that and relationship with that mentality that changes our feelings perceptions and experiences of sex itself Nagoski writes in an empowering encouraging fun and yes FUNNY manner I would hand this to every single woman I know For me the biggest take away the moment which took this from really good to outstanding was her discussion on body image on body weight and how it is our culture plus some that screws us up so bad In short it's the patriarchy that smashes female desire love and interest in sex and in their own sexual beings and experiences We accept male as default forgetting that also means women lose out over and over and over again Buy this one Read it Then pass it along Seriously It's THAT good

  7. says:

    Come as You Are The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life is a nonfiction self help book written by sex educator researcher and author Emily Nagoski It educates about a variety of issues that impact women's sexuality and while some of it got uite repetitive in my opinion and I didn't uite take away as much new information as I expected to I'm glad I read it My favorite part discussed how the model of sexual response is based entirely on how men work and if women fail to be like men they are often not considered sexually normal Any woman can tell you this isn't breaking news but I thought having a whole section themed with you are normal it's the world around you that's broken was incredibly validating I will forever and a day support women who choose the science field and I have a high appreciation for Ms Nagoski's reasons for writing this book in the first place Check it out My favorite uote When people ask me Am I normal? They're asking Do I belong? The answer is yes You belong in your body You belong in the world You've belonged since the day you were born this is your home You don't have to earn it by conforming to some externally imposed sexual standard7616 I'm actually super excited about this book No shame ladies learning is good

  8. says:

    2 stars Meh Just okI love the concept behind this book and it started off very interesting and introduced several facts of which I was not previously aware Unfortunately it then became a long repetitive read with the bulk majority of the information being mostly common sense and started to feel like a self help book vs a nonfiction book on a fascinating topic I found myself doing a lot of skimming on the back half wondering if there would be another interesting chapter coming up like the start of the book but the back 75% was rather dull for me Worth a read if you feel clueless in this area Favorite uote Women have cultural permission to criticize ourselves but we are punished if we praise ourselves if we dare to say that we like ourselves the way we areFirst Sentence To be a sex educator is to be asked uestions

  9. says:

    For some women I have no doubt this would be a life changing book I definitely learned some cool stuff things I am pissed that I did not know because patriarchy But I guess I'm lucky enough that I don't really need the 'self help' of this book to help with my sex life and this aspect is really the meat of the book Also Nagoski acknowledges that the book is for and about cisgender women so that omission didn't bother me there isn't enough science about trans women or enby people but I did still feel like it was suited for straight women in long term monogamous relationships which Nagoski doesn't give a disclaimer for like she does the focus on cis women The examples of lesbians didn't really feel like they were specific to those experiences and bi women don't come up at all Single and poly women wouldn't get a lot out of this that would speak specifically to those experiences either I don't think Plus the metaphors used to explain absolutely everything got to me after a while

  10. says:

    Updating review I wrote this review almost five years ago I'm cringing at using lady parts I still stick to my five star review it helped me open up a lot sexually I still recommend it to everyone whether you identify as man or woman Original reviewI picked up this book because I was interested in the science and emotion connecting woman’s sexuality without sounding like a text book or a Cosmo article This book doesn’t just talk about your lady parts it celebrates them a notion I’m not familiar with I felt for the first time I got a glimpse of how I am as a woman and how my sexuality is connected to every part of life I think every woman should read this book if it will help a fellow reader understand their body better it’s worth reading Even if you don’t have sex are a virgin hate sex or have an amazing sex life don’t let the title throw you off It’s a book to celebrate the female body and the emotions and sexuality involved I’ll admit I didn’t even want to add this book to “currently reading” list on Goodreads because I was embarrassed There’s nothing embarrassing about being a 30 something year old healthy woman who enjoys sex but I just thought talking about sex was something shameful If I had this book years ago I can’t imagine the stress it would have saved me Regardless if the topic of sex makes you blush or not please read this book

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